When practicing any “flavor” of magick, it is easy to get
caught up in what you are doing, and not notice the ripples of effect it has –
that you have – on others around you. I suppose that is true of all sincere
spiritual practice.
I used to think that my spirituality was undertaken in
isolation, that nothing I did mattered to anyone else. Whether it was my
ritual, my crafting, my writing, teaching, or even my podcast, I was convinced
that while it had meaning and significance for me, it didn't make one whit of
difference to anyone else. But when I was sick in hospital, my friends – and Facebook
– made it clear to me that something I was doing was apparently resonating with
a bunch of people, as healing, well-wishing and comments about how I had
affected peoples’ lives came in from around the world. It moved me, and my
spiritual work in all arenas has been greatly influenced since then by an
awareness of the effect it can have, those ripples, spreading out and touching
other lives.
I have always considered myself to be a very straightforward
person – my motivation has always been, I though, pretty evident. In my own
mind’s eye, I have always been exactly what I appear to be. I am, I think,
passionate about exploring my Craft, and sharing the results. I have a driving
need to teach, and, while I find myself in a leadership position because of the
students I teach, and the books, DVDs, workshops and the podcast, I have no
real desire to lead… it just sort of happened, almost in spite of myself.
But lately I’ve started to try to see myself through the
eyes of others, because I think that I might learn something about myself. That
isn't hard when listening to friends – the other day a good friend told me how
remarkably talented I was at taking deep and complex subjects and teaching them
in a user-friendly and understandable way, which was very easy to hear, despite
my typically British embarrassment at hearing myself being complimented.
It isn't so easy to listen to the opinions of one’s
detractors, however, though that is likely to be the more useful exercise.
Ignoring the claims about me that are manifestly ridiculous, or projection from
those who do what they accuse me of, how I am seen by those who do not hold me
in high esteem can actually tell me things about myself that can help me be a
better me… or at least, I think it can.
For example, I've heard that I am pompous and opinionated.
Now I have no doubt that I am opinionated, but I've never thought of myself as
pompous. I do know that the British accent I speak with can sound pompous to
some, and I know that when I am on a roll, I can get very loquacious, which can
make it difficult for others to get a word in edgewise. So I can sort of
understand that one. But there are plenty of other faults that my detractors
are keen to point out, that I find harder to understand.
It has been said that I am a Machiavellian schemer,
power-hungry, and manipulative. These are the things that I find hardest to
understand, and the most painful things that I hear about myself. As I stated
earlier, I truly believe that my motivations are simply to learn and share.
Some of this, considering the main source, may be projection, but I've heard it from people who
have never met me. No doubt, they were influenced by who consider me “the enemy”
(pretty much the entire Pagan community of Salt Lake City, UT, apparently hates
me, though less than a handful have ever met me), and that is something that I
find puzzling – I try not to form an opinion on someone based solely on the
opinions of others, myself – but it happens a lot in the Pagan community,
unfortunately.
